I don’t see what the big deal was, you could have just stayed my girlfriend”. The statement said to me by my husband two days after our wedding day. “Danielle, loves me more than I love her.” This one he actually had the nerve to say to my parents. Oh yea, don’t let me forget this one “You’re replaceable. I can find another girl with a nice body, cute face and good job. But you will not find another man who makes the money I make and will be faithful to you.” Deep gasp of air, grabs chest, jaw drops; I can be a bit dramatic at times, but talk about a blow to a girl’s self esteem.
December of this year, I will be divorce for two years. After reading some of the things that were said to me over the 6 years of our relationship. You’re probably wondering, why the hell did you marry him? Hell, I’m sitting here wondering the same thing. In all honesty, I married him because I loved him. I married him because I was comfortable. I married him because he provided me with a sense of security, that later turned out to be false. I had invested 5 years of my life to this man and who wants to start over? I married Mr. Montgomery because after all those years of dating; my future, all my dreams, and goals included him.
I really did want my marriage to work, and was willing to do the anything necessary to make it last. I mean who gets married with the desire to get divorced a year later, not I, but it happened. We attended pre-martial counseling one on one with a pastor from our church. I felt the pre-martial sessions were working wonders on our relationship. Our communication was more efficient. I was becoming more responsible with my money management, by not shopping till I dropped or my bank account was close to zero. He was becoming more affectionate, which was a constant struggle. Pre-martial counseling is strongly recommended, but it only works if both parties are being completely honest with each other and with themselves.
In so many ways, I knew I was not being honest with myself prior to marriage. Our Pastor asked me once, “if this man doesn’t change, and he never becomes more affectionate are you willing to go without it.” I responded “Yes”. I mean, what would be different, I’ve gone this long without it. At the moment I didn’t think I was lying. He was trying to make changes, so as long as the effort was there. I could do this, Right? Wrong!!! That effort was completely gone after my expensive lesson of “I DO!” No holding hands, no kisses when you come home from work, no compliments or anything. “Girl, what were you thinking?” I would be lying if I said I didn’t have to consistently remind myself that he loved me, because it was no longer shown. We were aware that we had different types of Love Languages and marriage would take some compromising on both of our ends. When putting myself into a category, I could see myself as a Physical Touch and Words of Admiration person. His love language was giving and receiving gifts; he had no problem buying me expensive things. I was aware of that about him, and knew I would have to show him love, the way he valued it. I bought him an iPad for Christmas, he didn’t want it, I actually think I later gave it to my dad. I got the sucker some polo shoes and shirt for his birthday one year, he sold them to his co-worker. See what I had to deal with?
Soon after marriage, I started to experience more late nights alone, while he hung out with his friends. Discourage from calling too much because I didn’t want to labeled as the nagging wife. Hard to nag if your calls are going unanswered. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I started printing out cell phone bills and going thru the call log with colored highlighters. Insecurities were coming to a peak in my marriage. I actually called one of his cousins once because I didn’t know the number and it kept showing up on the bill. Oops, guess that cat is out of the bag. Oh well, now he knows I’m checking his phone records. I would check his social media accounts, we were together 6 years and no picture of your wife. How do you explain that? He always blamed that on the conception of him being a private person. Total BS! Funny Story: I remember one time, he left his phone in the bedroom while he went to shower. Of course I picked up the phone and started to search. I was in full inspector gadget mode, taking mental screenshots of what I found. I was listening for the water to turn off as my personal alarm to put his phone back. Joke was on me when he came back while the water was still running only to see his phone in my hands. Makes me laugh out loud now, but in that moment it was not funny to neither of us.
I attempted to be the wife that I thought I was suppose to be. Although, I believe every person has their own breaking point. I was miserable and felt so alone even while I slept next to the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. It got to the point where intimacy was limited to once a month or less. He said he didn’t look at me the same. I cried during many discussions attempting to figure out what I needed to do to fix our marriage. Another senseless argument, with no solution provided. He couldn’t explain where the change of heart came from; he just wasn’t happy anymore. As I look at my husband with tears in my eyes. “Divorce isn’t an option for us, remember; we agreed on that?” Unmoved by my tears, his response was “Well that was then, this is now.”
My happily ever after quickly came to an end. I moved out of my one bedroom apartment on a day while he was at work. It may be viewed as cowardly by others, but I couldn’t face that idea that my marriage was falling apart in a matter of months. My sister came to assist me with my move. Arguing with her on whether I should take the TV trays or not, made the processing of my failed marriage more bearable; even if only for that moment. Weeks passed before I ever heard from Mr. Montgomery, I guess we are really done. Thoughts of regrets filled my heart and my mind. “What did I do to deserve this? I couldn’t have been that bad, but to him maybe I was.”
Divorce is an option now, seems to be the only option. Who’s going to file? Do I change my name back? Questions asked when we were finally able to communicate without escalation of unkind words and placing blame. Emotionally, physically and mentally, I was no longer available for my husband and his cold-hearted nature.
I have never been a fan of breaks in relationship or separations during marriages. I believe it opens the window to so many other unwarranted opportunities for both people involved. We’ve all heard of the “on the break babies”. You know when the couple is no longer officially together and someone gets involved with a new individual and a baby comes from that new situation. And what happens, the couple gets back together. WELL, SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS: Although, I didn’t get pregnant, I started to spend more time with a old male friend, and everything I desired from my husband, he gave to me. The affection, the kind words, the attention and everything a woman desires from her mate, was now right in front of me. AND I Love it. Technically, I was cheating because I was still married. Separated but still married. It didn’t feel like cheating, I was not sneaking around, I didn’t need to hide that I was seeing him. He made me feel like I had wasted the last 6 years of my life with someone who didn’t really love me. This felt right, even when I knew it wasn’t.
Long story short, nothing long term came from this seasonal fling. It served its purpose and allowed me to know what I wanted and didn’t want in my next relationship.
This would be a 5 Part Blog, if I spilled all the details of my failed marriage, which I will not do.
I was not the perfect wife, but I was close, just kidding. I will not lie or attempt to portray myself as the wife, who did no wrong. After my husband emotionally abandoned me, I decided to take the matters of my heart into my own hands. Hindsight is 20/20. Would I have done things differently? Of course I would. Now none of that matters, all I have is this moment right now and I live it with no regrets.
This post isn’t to bash my ex-husband. I don’t believe he’s a terrible person, we just didn’t work. My past relationships has shaped me into the woman that I am now. I will not lie this one screwed me up emotionally, mentally and FINANCIALLY; but I like who I am now. I am now focused on learning my purpose in this life and that purpose is not attached to man or a relationship status.
Writing this particular blog was tough; which is why it took me more than my normal time frame to post. This was a detox experience for me and maybe more necessary than I thought, especially since a lot of people still think I’m married. Well, I guess it’s out there now.
This blog is allowing me to lay it all out there; NO REGRETS, NO SHAME!!
Til later days!!!